Several people have said something to me which kind of goes like this: you are such a faithful servant of God at home and on the mission field, so why would God put you through such suffering? It is difficult to answer but I have been giving it some thought and have come across some ideas in my reading that may help.
"That is why we must not be surprised if we are in for a rough time. When A man turns to Christ and seems to be getting on pretty well (in the sense that some of his bad habits are now corrected), he often feels that it would now be natural if things went fairly smoothly. When troubles come along- illnesses, money troubles, new kinds of temptation- he is disappointed. These things, he feels, might have been necessary to rouse him and make him repent in his bad old days; but why now? Because God is forcing him on, or up, to a higher level: putting him into situations where he will have to be very much braver, or more patient, or more loving, than he ever dreamed of being before. It seems to us all unnecessary: but that is because we have not yet had the slightest notion of the tremendous thing He means to make of us." C.S. Lewis Mere Christianity
"My thoughts are not your thoughts, and my ways are not your ways," Isaiah 55:9
"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outward man is decaying, yet our inward man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal (they will not last), but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 written by Paul
"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation." 1 Peter 4:12-13
All the people I have quoted were better followers and servants of God than I and yet every one of them experienced trouble and hardship. Three of them were killed for their faith. There are many other examples in the Bible and in history. What do we conclude from this? If you have given over your life to God as His servant to be used as He wishes, it does not mean you will get special treatment or recognition (at least not as we think of it). God is working on perfecting us. He is also using us to affect those around us. God does not think or act like us. There are things going on that we cannot see or even understand. God is good and all this will somehow turn out to be good.
I recently completed a cycle of four months of Doxil and Avastin. It has been a rough time. The side effects are harsh and I feel like they made some things worse instead of better. I have told the oncologist that I do not want to do another four months on this plan. Still struggling with poor digestion, eating, and breathing but I have been able to maintain my weight and get around the house a little better. My cancer indicator has not dropped much which is disappointing. It is still around 900. I am scheduled to have another CT Scan on January 5th which should show us if the cancer has shrunk at all. We are at a crossroads now trying to decide what treatment plan to pursue. I would like to try an alternative clinic but although the cost is about half of what they bill me every time I walk into the cancer center, it is not covered by insurance so seems out of my reach. I am looking into finding some help locally from a naturopath or holistic doctor because I don't feel I can pursue an alternative plan on my own. Would appreciate prayer for these difficult decisions about treatment. Still looking with expectation to God for "spontaneous remission" otherwise known as "zero."
#cancersurvivor #faithandspirituality #ovariancancer
Friday, December 30, 2016
Friday, November 25, 2016
Gratitude
Spent some time reading Kelly Minter's book, The Fitting Room, and studying Colossians chapter 3. I recommend it. Several times in Colossians chapter 3 we are encouraged to be thankful. This exhortation is also in most of Paul's letters in the New Testament. I am glad for the small word "in." We are told to be thankful in all circumstances which is different from having to be thankful for circumstances. We often experience hard things in life that really make it difficult to feel positive let alone thankful, but I can tell you from personal experience that developing gratitude in your life is very helpful. It is difficult to keep complaining or feeling negative about your circumstances when you start to name the things you have to be thankful for. Practicing gratitude can lift you right up and somehow make the situation easier to bear. So let me tell you a few of the things I am thankful for right now:
for God who is always ready to hear me when I call
for my husband who patiently waits on me daily
for my children who want to see me and help me
that my brother and his wife drove all the way from Arizona to see how I was
that I did not lose my hair again
for heat and hot running water and cozy blankets
for online shopping (with Christmas coming)
for friends who loan me good books to read
that I did not lose more weight at my last doctors visit
for my grand daughter's laugh when she walks in my door
Had the third chemo treatment Tuesday, November 15th. Harsh but hopefully effective. My magnesium has been low every time so they give it to me intravenously. My red blood cell count has also been low but the white is good. Dr. Rubin said he thought the tumor felt smaller and the Cancer 125 continues to drop although it is still pretty high. I feel weak and tired much of the time. I cannot eat without pain and everything smells and tastes different. There are times, usually when I am laying in bed, that my breathing is not strained and nothing hurts and that is when I remember how "normal" feels. I am always ultra thankful for those times even though they may only last a few moments. The fourth treatment is December 13th and I will update again after that.
#ovariancancer #faithandspirituality #cancersurvivor
for God who is always ready to hear me when I call
for my husband who patiently waits on me daily
for my children who want to see me and help me
that my brother and his wife drove all the way from Arizona to see how I was
that I did not lose my hair again
for heat and hot running water and cozy blankets
for online shopping (with Christmas coming)
for friends who loan me good books to read
that I did not lose more weight at my last doctors visit
for my grand daughter's laugh when she walks in my door
Had the third chemo treatment Tuesday, November 15th. Harsh but hopefully effective. My magnesium has been low every time so they give it to me intravenously. My red blood cell count has also been low but the white is good. Dr. Rubin said he thought the tumor felt smaller and the Cancer 125 continues to drop although it is still pretty high. I feel weak and tired much of the time. I cannot eat without pain and everything smells and tastes different. There are times, usually when I am laying in bed, that my breathing is not strained and nothing hurts and that is when I remember how "normal" feels. I am always ultra thankful for those times even though they may only last a few moments. The fourth treatment is December 13th and I will update again after that.
#ovariancancer #faithandspirituality #cancersurvivor
Sunday, October 30, 2016
A Place of Safety
Where do you run when you want to feel safe? When you feel the need to be protected, where do you go? Right now the place I feel most safe is my nice bedroom in my own home under my big fluffy comforter. I have been reading the Psalms a lot lately and was struck with how many times God Himself is mentioned as a refuge, a shelter, a fortress, a shield, a strong tower, a hiding place.... in other words, He is a place of safety. I decided to go through and note when God is mentioned like this in the Psalms. It is interesting to me that there is a contrast. Sometimes the safe place is hard like stone, impenetrable like the castles or towers people under siege in long ago times would run to for safety. Sometimes the safe place is soft like the feathers under the wings of a bird or like the everlasting arms. Both of these word pictures describe God as a place of safety. The only true place of safety for us. Psalm 91 shows both sides of this when it states: "...I will say of the LORD, " He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in Him will I trust." ... He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will take refuge; His truth will be your shield and buckler." So, as nice as my cozy room is, when I want to be in a true place of safety, I run to the LORD. How about you?
I have been running to the LORD a lot these past few weeks. Sometimes my prayers consist only of, "Help, help, help!" or "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I had the second monthly treatment with Doxil on the 18th. The after affects were nowhere near as bad as the first time but they were bad. It is a harsh drug. It attacks the digestive system while it is attacking the cancer (which was already attacking my digestive system) and it takes away appetite. This makes it very difficult to maintain weight or regain strength. The fatigue is dreadful. Nevertheless, I have seen small improvements in my condition as the days go by for which I am thankful. The nausea and dehydration are pretty much under control and I am able to move about the house a little more. My doctor is encouraged by my blood counts and that the cancer marker is once again going down. The plan right now is to have two more infusions of the Doxil and five more of Avastin and then do a scan to see what shows up.
Please pray that I will be able to tolerate the drugs and that they will kill the cancer. Pray that I will continue to be able to eat and gain strength. Pray for Greg and Charis who are working so hard as my caregivers. Greg has had to take on all the household chores including laundry, shopping and cooking while working full time and looking after me. He sees me at my worst and it is hard for him. Charis helps with shopping, cleaning and cooking as well as transport to the cancer center while taking care of her own house and family.
#cancersurvivor #ovariancancer #faithandspirituality
I have been running to the LORD a lot these past few weeks. Sometimes my prayers consist only of, "Help, help, help!" or "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I had the second monthly treatment with Doxil on the 18th. The after affects were nowhere near as bad as the first time but they were bad. It is a harsh drug. It attacks the digestive system while it is attacking the cancer (which was already attacking my digestive system) and it takes away appetite. This makes it very difficult to maintain weight or regain strength. The fatigue is dreadful. Nevertheless, I have seen small improvements in my condition as the days go by for which I am thankful. The nausea and dehydration are pretty much under control and I am able to move about the house a little more. My doctor is encouraged by my blood counts and that the cancer marker is once again going down. The plan right now is to have two more infusions of the Doxil and five more of Avastin and then do a scan to see what shows up.
Please pray that I will be able to tolerate the drugs and that they will kill the cancer. Pray that I will continue to be able to eat and gain strength. Pray for Greg and Charis who are working so hard as my caregivers. Greg has had to take on all the household chores including laundry, shopping and cooking while working full time and looking after me. He sees me at my worst and it is hard for him. Charis helps with shopping, cleaning and cooking as well as transport to the cancer center while taking care of her own house and family.
#cancersurvivor #ovariancancer #faithandspirituality
Saturday, October 8, 2016
God Is Still Good
Even though I did not get much of a break from the cancer madness I am thankful for the two months I did get to enjoy the sun and the garden and the beach and my family. I relapsed at the end of July and since then have gotten gradually more ill reaching my lowest point about two weeks ago. I have felt so badly that I did not even have the energy to update. In spite of that, God has found ways to remind people to keep praying and they let me know and it is one of the ways I know that He is there looking out for me. I have been pretty much stuck in my bedroom but I can tell you that I know He is working for me, that He is close to me and that He speaks peace and joy to me through His word. I also know He understands my laments over my situation because one morning I asked what Psalm I should read that day and I heard 88 clear as a bell. Look it up if you want to see what my mood was like that day. (He knew!) He keeps giving me the word "Hope" in his word, through friends, and even on a wreath a friend gave to me. My hope is in Him.
This time I had many gastrointestinal symptoms from the cancer. It resulted in severe nausea, dehydration, being unable to eat, weight loss and weakness. I had genetic testing for a gene mutation which could have altered my treatment plan but I did not have the mutation. I do not qualify for any current clinical trials so that means my treatment options are limited. I began treatment (combination of Doxil and Avastin) the end of September and did not react well because of my already weakened state. This week we talked over all my issues and came up with a plan whereby I am taking certain meds and getting IV fluids twice a week and I have seen tiny improvements each day. Yesterday I began to feel restless being stuck in my bed and that I take to be a good sign. I moved to the sunny guest room for awhile to change my scenery.
Please pray that I will be able to eat without pain and that I will get a little stronger every day. Pray for the next treatment with the Doxil on October 18th. I did not have a good experience last time but I do not want to live in fear. Pray the cancer cells die...every last one of them! I know I am not fighting this battle alone but God and you are fighting for me.
#ovariancancer #cancersurvivor #faithandspirituality
This time I had many gastrointestinal symptoms from the cancer. It resulted in severe nausea, dehydration, being unable to eat, weight loss and weakness. I had genetic testing for a gene mutation which could have altered my treatment plan but I did not have the mutation. I do not qualify for any current clinical trials so that means my treatment options are limited. I began treatment (combination of Doxil and Avastin) the end of September and did not react well because of my already weakened state. This week we talked over all my issues and came up with a plan whereby I am taking certain meds and getting IV fluids twice a week and I have seen tiny improvements each day. Yesterday I began to feel restless being stuck in my bed and that I take to be a good sign. I moved to the sunny guest room for awhile to change my scenery.
Please pray that I will be able to eat without pain and that I will get a little stronger every day. Pray for the next treatment with the Doxil on October 18th. I did not have a good experience last time but I do not want to live in fear. Pray the cancer cells die...every last one of them! I know I am not fighting this battle alone but God and you are fighting for me.
#ovariancancer #cancersurvivor #faithandspirituality
Friday, July 1, 2016
It Is Well With My Soul
Early on in my cancer journey my pastor asked how I was
and I replied that I was well in the ways that mattered. Perhaps some of you
have heard the story behind the beloved hymn I used for my title. I share it
for those who have not. Horatio G. Spafford wrote it in 1873. He had already
lost his son to a childhood illness and much of his fortune because of the
Great Chicago Fire. He sent his wife and four daughters ahead of himself to Europe by ship and the ship sank after colliding with
another vessel. His wife sent a telegram that stated simply, "Saved
alone." Mr. Spafford is said to have penned the words to the hymn when
passing over the spot in the ocean where the vessel sank. He and his wife were
to have three more children, a son and two daughters. Again the boy was lost to
a childhood illness. The reaction of their church was to name them punished by
God. They disagreed. Here are the words to the hymn.
#cancersurvivor #ovariancancer #faithandspirituality
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Monday, June 6, 2016
Waiting In Hope
"I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in His word I put my hope." Psalm 130:5
So May 26th I finished my chemo and my treatment plan that we laid out last November and now we wait. Many people do not like waiting but the truth is everyone is waiting on something and it is important to wait well. It does help to know that waiting is a normal life process and not a bad thing. To share more of Margaret Feinberg's wisdom, "Remember that God is always working in the wait." We do not know what is going on behind the scenes. Patience is a fruit of God's Spirit so if I am relying on Him, I should not be impatient. I am not saying waiting is easy but it is possible to be content in it.
As I write, it has been over a week since my last chemo and I am still feeling the effects from it. I think they will start to wear off in another week or so and I hope to feel much better. I am wondering if I will ever feel like my old self or if I will need to adjust to a new "normal." A new side effect that showed up right at the end is neuropathy in both feet. Since it came towards the end the doctors think it will reverse itself. I am feeling mostly tired and weak and will feel that way until my blood cells begin to recover. I am so so happy to be finished with those very strong drugs.
The plan now is to rest up and recover and then at the end of June I will have another CT scan. June 30th I have an appointment at Fox Chase for blood work and to see the doctor to decide where we go from here.
Please pray for zero signs of cancer, for victory over anxiety, and recovery from the side effects of the chemo drugs. I pray God's blessings on each one of you every day.
#ovariancancer #cancersurvivor #faithandspirituality
In case you missed it...here I am ringing the bell at the end of treatment...you may not hear me say it because Greg is talking but I said "Thanks for praying me through."
https://www.facebook.com/cheryl.ann.thomas.shipley/videos/10153580677448244/
So May 26th I finished my chemo and my treatment plan that we laid out last November and now we wait. Many people do not like waiting but the truth is everyone is waiting on something and it is important to wait well. It does help to know that waiting is a normal life process and not a bad thing. To share more of Margaret Feinberg's wisdom, "Remember that God is always working in the wait." We do not know what is going on behind the scenes. Patience is a fruit of God's Spirit so if I am relying on Him, I should not be impatient. I am not saying waiting is easy but it is possible to be content in it.
As I write, it has been over a week since my last chemo and I am still feeling the effects from it. I think they will start to wear off in another week or so and I hope to feel much better. I am wondering if I will ever feel like my old self or if I will need to adjust to a new "normal." A new side effect that showed up right at the end is neuropathy in both feet. Since it came towards the end the doctors think it will reverse itself. I am feeling mostly tired and weak and will feel that way until my blood cells begin to recover. I am so so happy to be finished with those very strong drugs.
The plan now is to rest up and recover and then at the end of June I will have another CT scan. June 30th I have an appointment at Fox Chase for blood work and to see the doctor to decide where we go from here.
Please pray for zero signs of cancer, for victory over anxiety, and recovery from the side effects of the chemo drugs. I pray God's blessings on each one of you every day.
#ovariancancer #cancersurvivor #faithandspirituality
In case you missed it...here I am ringing the bell at the end of treatment...you may not hear me say it because Greg is talking but I said "Thanks for praying me through."
https://www.facebook.com/cheryl.ann.thomas.shipley/videos/10153580677448244/
Friday, May 13, 2016
On Fear and Courage...
Last Sunday our pastor had us write this verse so we could meditate on it throughout the week. "Yes, be bold and strong! Banish fear and doubt! For remember, the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9. This was especially helpful for me because I was fearful of this weeks treatment after feeling pretty rough the last time I had both chemo drugs. On Wednesday I had the special pleasure of hearing Margaret Feinberg speak at Spring Ladies Day Out hosted by America's Keswick. I took away much helpful information but the bit I held onto the most was about fear and love. Apparently studies were done on brain chemistry that showed that fear and love were controlled by different parts of the brain and could not be experienced at the same time. This verse in John agrees: "There is no fear in love because perfect love casts out fear." So when I want to banish fear I need only remember how much I am loved by God and by people. I can be courageous knowing that the God who loves me is with me all the time. Another verse Margaret shared is from Luke 12: "Do not fear, little flock, because it is God's good pleasure to give you the kingdom." Those are Jesus's words and so full of tenderness and promise.
The last three weeks I have been feeling pretty weak. Had a good talk with my nurse practitioner and learned it was because my red blood cell count keeps getting lower and wont get better until chemo is over. The good news is I only have two more treatments and will be finished May 26th. My white blood cell count is slightly better but I was warned not to be around sick people or crowds. Oops! I was released to exercise again so doing yoga before treatments is very helpful for feeling calm. Nevertheless, I was apprehensive before treatment since I felt bad last time I had carboplatin. The day was beautiful and a good friend took me and we got to sit outside while waiting. The treatment went well but we did not get home until after 6. There was a nice meal waiting from another friend so I had some food and went to bed. I was able to sleep for 11 hours which was an unusual blessing. I do not feel too badly today. Unfortunately, the last time my cancer marker CA 125 was tested it had spiked over 500. We think it is because of dying off cancer cells and inflammation following surgery. At any rate it is not a reliable test. But, because of that, Dr. Rubin wants me to have another scan in six weeks and then he will see me again. Please pray for zero. Zero evidence of cancer and zero recurrence. I so appreciate your support.
Here is a recent photo I used to get my passport renewed. No matter what happens I can't imagine being without a passport!
The last three weeks I have been feeling pretty weak. Had a good talk with my nurse practitioner and learned it was because my red blood cell count keeps getting lower and wont get better until chemo is over. The good news is I only have two more treatments and will be finished May 26th. My white blood cell count is slightly better but I was warned not to be around sick people or crowds. Oops! I was released to exercise again so doing yoga before treatments is very helpful for feeling calm. Nevertheless, I was apprehensive before treatment since I felt bad last time I had carboplatin. The day was beautiful and a good friend took me and we got to sit outside while waiting. The treatment went well but we did not get home until after 6. There was a nice meal waiting from another friend so I had some food and went to bed. I was able to sleep for 11 hours which was an unusual blessing. I do not feel too badly today. Unfortunately, the last time my cancer marker CA 125 was tested it had spiked over 500. We think it is because of dying off cancer cells and inflammation following surgery. At any rate it is not a reliable test. But, because of that, Dr. Rubin wants me to have another scan in six weeks and then he will see me again. Please pray for zero. Zero evidence of cancer and zero recurrence. I so appreciate your support.
Here is a recent photo I used to get my passport renewed. No matter what happens I can't imagine being without a passport!
Saturday, April 23, 2016
Fighting Back With Joy
The Bible study I am usually involved in (which I have been unable to attend since November) has been doing Margaret Feinberg's study about fighting with joy. One of them gave me the book associated with the study to read. In it, Margaret describes her own journey through cancer. One of the things I gleaned from it is a three word motto for dealing with cancer: accept-adapt-depend. Accept that you have this disease. Adapt however you need to while going through treatment and beyond. Depend on God to get you through. I am excited about getting to hear her in person in May.
Another book I found helpful (and which was also sent to me early on by some friends) is When God and Cancer Meet by Linn Eib. The author is a cancer survivor turned cancer advocate and the book is full of stories about the people she has met along the way. Each story has an element of hope and the book helped both Greg and I regain some balance and a healthy perspective.
It has been eight weeks since surgery. I had my fourth treatment in this series of nine on Thursday. I was by myself (which I don't mind) but God sent along a kind person, Nancy, to talk to me. She went through the same cancer and treatment as me 18 months ago and now she and her husband volunteer at the center. Talking with her gave me a little infusion of hope. I was given all the drugs again and I have felt rough since. This time I came home and slept five hours and then was awake most of the night. I have stabbing pain here and there and I imagine it is the cancer being killed off. Actually, because I have a vivid imagination, I picture tiny angels with swords stabbing those nasty cancer cells. Sore throat, fatigue, brain fog, no appetite, headache, and tinnitus are all with me at the moment. Thankfully, I know I will feel better in a day or two. Before this last treatment I had a good week. The weather is nice and I have been getting out and walking nearly every day. Soaking up some sunshine and breathing fresh air really helps. The doctor cleared me to drive and to resume exercise so I am excited about starting up classes this week. My white blood cell count was even lower than it usually is but they still decided to give me treatment. Chemo wreaks havoc on the immune system and then how is the body supposed to heal itself? I have been researching ways to build up my white blood cells and my immune system and I can see if it is working when I see my weekly blood work.
Please pray for all the cancer cells to die off and for my immune system to get stronger so it can take over the healing process. Also pray against fatigue and anxiety. Also pray that God will keep sending people that I can encourage and who will encourage me. Thank you all!
#ovariancancer #cancersurvivor #faithandspirituality
Another book I found helpful (and which was also sent to me early on by some friends) is When God and Cancer Meet by Linn Eib. The author is a cancer survivor turned cancer advocate and the book is full of stories about the people she has met along the way. Each story has an element of hope and the book helped both Greg and I regain some balance and a healthy perspective.
It has been eight weeks since surgery. I had my fourth treatment in this series of nine on Thursday. I was by myself (which I don't mind) but God sent along a kind person, Nancy, to talk to me. She went through the same cancer and treatment as me 18 months ago and now she and her husband volunteer at the center. Talking with her gave me a little infusion of hope. I was given all the drugs again and I have felt rough since. This time I came home and slept five hours and then was awake most of the night. I have stabbing pain here and there and I imagine it is the cancer being killed off. Actually, because I have a vivid imagination, I picture tiny angels with swords stabbing those nasty cancer cells. Sore throat, fatigue, brain fog, no appetite, headache, and tinnitus are all with me at the moment. Thankfully, I know I will feel better in a day or two. Before this last treatment I had a good week. The weather is nice and I have been getting out and walking nearly every day. Soaking up some sunshine and breathing fresh air really helps. The doctor cleared me to drive and to resume exercise so I am excited about starting up classes this week. My white blood cell count was even lower than it usually is but they still decided to give me treatment. Chemo wreaks havoc on the immune system and then how is the body supposed to heal itself? I have been researching ways to build up my white blood cells and my immune system and I can see if it is working when I see my weekly blood work.
Please pray for all the cancer cells to die off and for my immune system to get stronger so it can take over the healing process. Also pray against fatigue and anxiety. Also pray that God will keep sending people that I can encourage and who will encourage me. Thank you all!
#ovariancancer #cancersurvivor #faithandspirituality
Friday, April 8, 2016
Of Dignity and Suffering
For the past two weeks I have been pondering dignity and thinking about what I should share about it. Caring for elderly parents and having cancer and being around a lot of other people who have it has taught me a lot about the importance of allowing people as much dignity as possible. Disease, poverty, and old age are some of the things that can strip people of dignity. I believe everyone needs some measure of it to feel human no matter how old or sick or poor. It can be disheartening to be around so much suffering especially if one is suffering herself.
I have been praying about a verse to share on the subject and after about a week, this is the one God put into my head.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look on the things that are seen, but at the things that are not seen. For the things that are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
The reason I can have hope and I can grant grace and dignity to those I meet along the journey is because I know that, although it does not look like it, this suffering is light and temporary. I know that what can be seen is not all there is. In that spiritual realm which I can only dream about right now there will be glory that is exceedingly wonderful and that will never end. Any indignity I may feel or witness here will not even be remembered there. God will make it so. I believe Him. Do not lose heart.
It has been six weeks since my cancer surgery. I still have pain. I still cannot do everything I want to. I am still in healing mode. Nevertheless, it was time to start the second round of chemotherapy. Yesterday I had my second of nine treatments. Last week I could not even bring myself to update. I don't believe my side effects are as bad as I expected or as bad as some people I have heard about but they are there. I do not want to whine or complain but in the interest of honesty, I don't mind sharing what they are. It may actually help someone else.
I have been trying without success to find some information about other peoples post surgical experiences. As far as the surgery is concerned, I am improving, but I still have tenderness in the upper abdomen that makes it difficult to stand up straight, walk or breathe deeply. The scar is healing but tender. Just started wearing pants with zippers but have to have a layer of clothes between my tummy and them. Knitted tank tops I buy at Forever 21 for $2. work great. At first I had a lot of trouble with gas in the abdomen as well as the GI track. That is vastly improved after six weeks. I can only walk about two blocks without getting tired. Energy levels are low. It helps greatly when the weather cooperates and I can walk a little and sit outside on a sunny bench.
Chemo side effects are varied. I sometimes cannot sleep all night. Other times I am so tired I don't feel like moving. My brain is foggy and I have trouble remembering things. My throat is very dry, in fact, my whole body is dry. My hair was just growing back nicely and it will fall out again. I could feel my scalp tingling again after the first treatment. At least I haven't had to shave my legs. I get dizzy and mildly nauseous and nothing tastes right. My legs and feet sometimes feel tingly or numb. Sometimes my whole body feels numb. I have a port, which is a small button under the skin below my right shoulder. It facilitates drawing blood and receiving the drugs but it is often achy, itchy, and annoying. It is easy to get ulcers in my mouth and throat so I rinse with a salt and baking soda solution several times a day if I remember.
In spite of all this, I am acutely aware that I have so much to be thankful for. I have wonderful support and help from my family and friends. It makes all the difference. Never a day goes by without someone telling me they are praying for me. I have a warm, comfortable home, clothes and all the food I need. God led me to a treatment center and a doctor that I feel are doing their best for me. He has provided a way for us to make payments with no interest on the medical expenses not covered by insurance. The therapy I am given along with the dietary changes I have made are actually killing the cancer cells. They are working for me. I am blessed. I refuse to lose heart.
#ovariancancer #cancersurvivor #faithandspirituality
I have been praying about a verse to share on the subject and after about a week, this is the one God put into my head.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look on the things that are seen, but at the things that are not seen. For the things that are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
The reason I can have hope and I can grant grace and dignity to those I meet along the journey is because I know that, although it does not look like it, this suffering is light and temporary. I know that what can be seen is not all there is. In that spiritual realm which I can only dream about right now there will be glory that is exceedingly wonderful and that will never end. Any indignity I may feel or witness here will not even be remembered there. God will make it so. I believe Him. Do not lose heart.
It has been six weeks since my cancer surgery. I still have pain. I still cannot do everything I want to. I am still in healing mode. Nevertheless, it was time to start the second round of chemotherapy. Yesterday I had my second of nine treatments. Last week I could not even bring myself to update. I don't believe my side effects are as bad as I expected or as bad as some people I have heard about but they are there. I do not want to whine or complain but in the interest of honesty, I don't mind sharing what they are. It may actually help someone else.
I have been trying without success to find some information about other peoples post surgical experiences. As far as the surgery is concerned, I am improving, but I still have tenderness in the upper abdomen that makes it difficult to stand up straight, walk or breathe deeply. The scar is healing but tender. Just started wearing pants with zippers but have to have a layer of clothes between my tummy and them. Knitted tank tops I buy at Forever 21 for $2. work great. At first I had a lot of trouble with gas in the abdomen as well as the GI track. That is vastly improved after six weeks. I can only walk about two blocks without getting tired. Energy levels are low. It helps greatly when the weather cooperates and I can walk a little and sit outside on a sunny bench.
Chemo side effects are varied. I sometimes cannot sleep all night. Other times I am so tired I don't feel like moving. My brain is foggy and I have trouble remembering things. My throat is very dry, in fact, my whole body is dry. My hair was just growing back nicely and it will fall out again. I could feel my scalp tingling again after the first treatment. At least I haven't had to shave my legs. I get dizzy and mildly nauseous and nothing tastes right. My legs and feet sometimes feel tingly or numb. Sometimes my whole body feels numb. I have a port, which is a small button under the skin below my right shoulder. It facilitates drawing blood and receiving the drugs but it is often achy, itchy, and annoying. It is easy to get ulcers in my mouth and throat so I rinse with a salt and baking soda solution several times a day if I remember.
In spite of all this, I am acutely aware that I have so much to be thankful for. I have wonderful support and help from my family and friends. It makes all the difference. Never a day goes by without someone telling me they are praying for me. I have a warm, comfortable home, clothes and all the food I need. God led me to a treatment center and a doctor that I feel are doing their best for me. He has provided a way for us to make payments with no interest on the medical expenses not covered by insurance. The therapy I am given along with the dietary changes I have made are actually killing the cancer cells. They are working for me. I am blessed. I refuse to lose heart.
#ovariancancer #cancersurvivor #faithandspirituality
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Post Surgery Follow Up Visit
"Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are - face to face! They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We're free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of His face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like Him." 2 Corinthians 3:16-18 Message
These are verses I read this morning. What they mean to me is that I am going through a transformation and becoming more like what I was created to be but only the Spirit of God is able to determine what is necessary to facilitate the process. That is where trust and faith come in because sometimes that process is just hard.
Today I went to my two week post surgery follow up visit. It has been a rough two weeks especially the first few days after I got home. Now I am able to get up and down without help, walk around the house, and do light chores. I still have pain but it is not severe. Once the steri strips came off I could see the scar is much longer than I first thought. Actually it goes around my belly button and all the way down. I feel a little sad about it ... stupid cancer ... but no one is the same after fighting with this disease. Each day I feel a tiny bit stronger. My appetite is fine and I am sleeping well. Thankful for little things. Surgery was a huge hurdle and I am thankful to be over it.
You can tell a lot about people from observing their body language. My doctor was at ease, smiling and confident as he told me I was doing great and responding well to treatment. He said my scar was healing beautifully. Both he and the physicians assistant said I was ahead of the norm in my recovery. Who knew? I was nervous going to the appointment but they both put me at ease. The surgery was successful and no other organs were affected by the cancer. The majority of the cancer has been removed. This is an amazing answer to prayer considering the stage the disease was in by the time it was discovered. The slight swelling and discomfort I am feeling right now is pretty normal and will gradually fade. Again, I am thankful.
I can take walks and have visitors but I will be restricted from many activities for another six weeks. No pushing, pulling, lifting or stressing my core. I am looking forward to getting back to yoga class and riding my pink bike as soon as I can. Meanwhile I have to get over what I hope to be the last hurdle, nine more weeks of chemotherapy. It will start on March 31. You have been praying for me and cheering me on and I hope you will continue. God hears every word even those not spoken out loud.
These are verses I read this morning. What they mean to me is that I am going through a transformation and becoming more like what I was created to be but only the Spirit of God is able to determine what is necessary to facilitate the process. That is where trust and faith come in because sometimes that process is just hard.
Today I went to my two week post surgery follow up visit. It has been a rough two weeks especially the first few days after I got home. Now I am able to get up and down without help, walk around the house, and do light chores. I still have pain but it is not severe. Once the steri strips came off I could see the scar is much longer than I first thought. Actually it goes around my belly button and all the way down. I feel a little sad about it ... stupid cancer ... but no one is the same after fighting with this disease. Each day I feel a tiny bit stronger. My appetite is fine and I am sleeping well. Thankful for little things. Surgery was a huge hurdle and I am thankful to be over it.
You can tell a lot about people from observing their body language. My doctor was at ease, smiling and confident as he told me I was doing great and responding well to treatment. He said my scar was healing beautifully. Both he and the physicians assistant said I was ahead of the norm in my recovery. Who knew? I was nervous going to the appointment but they both put me at ease. The surgery was successful and no other organs were affected by the cancer. The majority of the cancer has been removed. This is an amazing answer to prayer considering the stage the disease was in by the time it was discovered. The slight swelling and discomfort I am feeling right now is pretty normal and will gradually fade. Again, I am thankful.
I can take walks and have visitors but I will be restricted from many activities for another six weeks. No pushing, pulling, lifting or stressing my core. I am looking forward to getting back to yoga class and riding my pink bike as soon as I can. Meanwhile I have to get over what I hope to be the last hurdle, nine more weeks of chemotherapy. It will start on March 31. You have been praying for me and cheering me on and I hope you will continue. God hears every word even those not spoken out loud.
Monday, February 29, 2016
Post Surgery
Blogging from my home away from home for the last four days (Fox Chase Cancer Center in Philly). "What time I am afraid I will trust in you." I have needed this verse as I approached surgery. God kept reminding me through songs and other verses about how he led the Israelites through The Red Sea. Nothing is too hard for Him. I could feel the prayers being prayed for me. Whenever I felt terrified, remembering that nothing is impossible for God and that many were holding me up in prayer helped calm me quickly. Through this experience the whole idea of bearing one another;s burdens has come alive for me.
Bad news first because I want to end on a positive note. Sorry for whining but I want to be real. Surgery was about 3 hours and I woke up with a considerable amount of pain. I stayed in recovery until they got that under control. The pain is still there but because of the pain meds it is not there all the time. I have been running a low grade fever. It hurts to breathe so I am not getting enough oxygen. I am on an oxygen tank. Apparently, I am not drinking enough so They have to give me IV fluids. It is difficult to stand up straight but I am trying to walk around the halls. Once I got the epidural and catheter out that was easier. The incision is about four inches long and seems to be healing nicely. I am trying to eat but my appetite is not good.
Good news and plenty of it. Right before surgery I checked the results of recent blood tests and saw that my CA 125 (cancer indicator for Ovarian cancer) Had gone from 770 to 294 in one month. That was super encouragement and it gave me some hope. I have a beautiful room to myself and all the staff have been great. The surgery was "wildly successful" in that the doctor was able to remove all visible signs of cancer and it had not affected any other organs. I am able to move around slowly and take short walks in the halls. I am so thankful that I am on the other side of this surgery. I am so thankful for all those thinking of me and praying for me. I told the surgeon people were praying and he responded "that is a good thing." Except for the first time I tried to get up and walk around I have not had nausea. I am hoping to go home today (Monday). I am looking forward to getting the pink bike out and riding it on the boardwalk in a few months. :-)
Bad news first because I want to end on a positive note. Sorry for whining but I want to be real. Surgery was about 3 hours and I woke up with a considerable amount of pain. I stayed in recovery until they got that under control. The pain is still there but because of the pain meds it is not there all the time. I have been running a low grade fever. It hurts to breathe so I am not getting enough oxygen. I am on an oxygen tank. Apparently, I am not drinking enough so They have to give me IV fluids. It is difficult to stand up straight but I am trying to walk around the halls. Once I got the epidural and catheter out that was easier. The incision is about four inches long and seems to be healing nicely. I am trying to eat but my appetite is not good.
Good news and plenty of it. Right before surgery I checked the results of recent blood tests and saw that my CA 125 (cancer indicator for Ovarian cancer) Had gone from 770 to 294 in one month. That was super encouragement and it gave me some hope. I have a beautiful room to myself and all the staff have been great. The surgery was "wildly successful" in that the doctor was able to remove all visible signs of cancer and it had not affected any other organs. I am able to move around slowly and take short walks in the halls. I am so thankful that I am on the other side of this surgery. I am so thankful for all those thinking of me and praying for me. I told the surgeon people were praying and he responded "that is a good thing." Except for the first time I tried to get up and walk around I have not had nausea. I am hoping to go home today (Monday). I am looking forward to getting the pink bike out and riding it on the boardwalk in a few months. :-)
Thursday, February 11, 2016
February 11th Update - On Waiting
There may be some people out there who enjoy waiting and there may be some situations for which waiting is an enjoyable experience like waiting for Christmas or waiting for a new baby to arrive. For the most part though most people do not like to be kept waiting. I have had my fair share of being disciplined in this area. I can't say I am now good at it but there has been improvement. I admit these last two weeks while I was waiting to hear scan results and to set a date for surgery were hard. I struggled with feeling anxious and fearful. I recently finished a book a friend sent me and found this little gem in it. "...the things that annoy, irritate, and disappoint us have just as much power to reveal the truth about ourselves as anything else. Learn to linger with what provokes you. You may just find the Spirit of God moving there." So I am learning to linger.
Charis and I met with Dr. Rubin today to discuss scan results and decide on a date for surgery. I know some of you were praying/hoping that perhaps I could avoid surgery altogether. Sorry, but that is not the case. In fact, it is a good thing that Dr. Rubin is going to go ahead with the surgery because it means that I tolerated the treatment well, the treatment (and all my various attempts to enhance it) is working, the cancer is shrinking and the surgery is worth doing. (It will help me.) This is not always the case with this type of cancer in this stage. Today I met the mother of a 27 year old with stage 4 ovarian cancer who has not tolerated the treatment so far therefore I am adjusting my perspective and counting my blessings.
The surgery performed by Dr. Rubin at Fox Chase will be Friday February 26th. They plan to do a complete hysterectomy, remove a fatty layer around my stomach (and I was only joking about him throwing in some free liposuction) and any visible tumors. I should be in the hospital three nights.
Please pray against fear and anxiety. Pray for serenity for myself and my family. Pray that the cancer has not attached itself to other organs. (They won't know for sure until they operate.) Pray that the surgery is wildly successful!!!
Charis and I met with Dr. Rubin today to discuss scan results and decide on a date for surgery. I know some of you were praying/hoping that perhaps I could avoid surgery altogether. Sorry, but that is not the case. In fact, it is a good thing that Dr. Rubin is going to go ahead with the surgery because it means that I tolerated the treatment well, the treatment (and all my various attempts to enhance it) is working, the cancer is shrinking and the surgery is worth doing. (It will help me.) This is not always the case with this type of cancer in this stage. Today I met the mother of a 27 year old with stage 4 ovarian cancer who has not tolerated the treatment so far therefore I am adjusting my perspective and counting my blessings.
The surgery performed by Dr. Rubin at Fox Chase will be Friday February 26th. They plan to do a complete hysterectomy, remove a fatty layer around my stomach (and I was only joking about him throwing in some free liposuction) and any visible tumors. I should be in the hospital three nights.
Please pray against fear and anxiety. Pray for serenity for myself and my family. Pray that the cancer has not attached itself to other organs. (They won't know for sure until they operate.) Pray that the surgery is wildly successful!!!
Monday, February 1, 2016
"My brothers (and sisters), count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2,3
I am trying to include things I am learning along the way and there are so many it is difficult to choose but this was a good lesson. I need patience for this situation in so many ways. For waiting on appointments, and not feeling well, and so I won't be grumpy with others and for insurance issues and for the long months of treatment. I realized that if my faith had not already been tested and patience produced in me, this experience would be so much harder for me and for those around me. So I am learning to "count it all joy."
I am happy to report that I have completed 9 weeks of chemotherapy successfully. I now get at least 6 weeks without the healing poison. This week I will get a CT scan so we can see what the cancer looks like now compared to the November scan. February 11th I meet with the doctor to decide when surgery will be. As far as I understand the surgery will be a hysterectomy and removal of any visible cancer. We know the cancer has shrunk but we won't know how much until we see the scan.
Please pray that I will not be worried or anxious about the surgery. Pray that there will not be any negative surprises with the surgery. I am hoping no other organs are involved.
I have continued to be spoiled with kindness in the form of prayers, hugs, cards, gifts and food. I received a lovely gift from a friend this week as well as a care package from a Thirty-one sister who has a ministry to cancer patients. When I was at Fox Chase this week I was able to connect with Josephine again and met another lady, Linda, who was there for her first consult. I was so pleased that God enabled me to encourage someone else. This is another lesson in enduring trials... "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 2 Corinthians 1:3,4
I am trying to include things I am learning along the way and there are so many it is difficult to choose but this was a good lesson. I need patience for this situation in so many ways. For waiting on appointments, and not feeling well, and so I won't be grumpy with others and for insurance issues and for the long months of treatment. I realized that if my faith had not already been tested and patience produced in me, this experience would be so much harder for me and for those around me. So I am learning to "count it all joy."
I am happy to report that I have completed 9 weeks of chemotherapy successfully. I now get at least 6 weeks without the healing poison. This week I will get a CT scan so we can see what the cancer looks like now compared to the November scan. February 11th I meet with the doctor to decide when surgery will be. As far as I understand the surgery will be a hysterectomy and removal of any visible cancer. We know the cancer has shrunk but we won't know how much until we see the scan.
Please pray that I will not be worried or anxious about the surgery. Pray that there will not be any negative surprises with the surgery. I am hoping no other organs are involved.
I have continued to be spoiled with kindness in the form of prayers, hugs, cards, gifts and food. I received a lovely gift from a friend this week as well as a care package from a Thirty-one sister who has a ministry to cancer patients. When I was at Fox Chase this week I was able to connect with Josephine again and met another lady, Linda, who was there for her first consult. I was so pleased that God enabled me to encourage someone else. This is another lesson in enduring trials... "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 2 Corinthians 1:3,4
Thursday, January 21, 2016
" But I am like a green olive tree in the house of God; I trust in the mercy of God forever and ever. I will praise you forever, because you have done it; And in the presence of Your saints I will wait on your name, for it is good." Psalm 52: 8-9
A little slow to post this blog but it was a bit of a rough week. Don't get me wrong, it was a week full of mercy, I just did not have the energy to write about it. My body is weak but it is well with my soul. So much good news to share. I went to Fox Chase not knowing if my blood counts would allow treatment but they were all good. There was no problem with the port as on the previous week when I was probably a bit dehydrated. The doctor then told me my C124 cancer marker was down to 800. It was 1600 when they tested at St. Mary's in early November and it was down to 1200 when I began treatment at Fox Chase which means it actually fell 400 points before I even started Chemo. That and the fact that I was told today that my stomach was soft and the doctor said he did not feel the mass is all mercy. And then they decided to just skip that lost week and continue on schedule so I am not behind after all. That is why it was a little rough this week because I had both drugs but from what I have heard my side effects are minimal compared to what some people go through and I am really happy that I am back on schedule. One more treatment and I get a break from chemo. The plan now is to get a CT scan to see if the cancer has shrunk and then I meet with the doctor to discuss surgery. He has told me it will have to be at least three weeks after stopping the chemo.
Thanks for prayers...please don't stop now. God is good.
A little slow to post this blog but it was a bit of a rough week. Don't get me wrong, it was a week full of mercy, I just did not have the energy to write about it. My body is weak but it is well with my soul. So much good news to share. I went to Fox Chase not knowing if my blood counts would allow treatment but they were all good. There was no problem with the port as on the previous week when I was probably a bit dehydrated. The doctor then told me my C124 cancer marker was down to 800. It was 1600 when they tested at St. Mary's in early November and it was down to 1200 when I began treatment at Fox Chase which means it actually fell 400 points before I even started Chemo. That and the fact that I was told today that my stomach was soft and the doctor said he did not feel the mass is all mercy. And then they decided to just skip that lost week and continue on schedule so I am not behind after all. That is why it was a little rough this week because I had both drugs but from what I have heard my side effects are minimal compared to what some people go through and I am really happy that I am back on schedule. One more treatment and I get a break from chemo. The plan now is to get a CT scan to see if the cancer has shrunk and then I meet with the doctor to discuss surgery. He has told me it will have to be at least three weeks after stopping the chemo.
Thanks for prayers...please don't stop now. God is good.
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Bit of a Setback or My Agenda vs. God's Agenda
Was planning on getting the last treatment of the second round of chemo today. It would have been number 6 out of 9. Could not have it because my white blood cells are too low. I am immune compromised right now. One of the nurses said it was my body telling me I need a break from chemo. No kidding! So I was a little shaken because I just want to get this over with. I did get to ask the doctor about surgery and what the plan is. He said we would do a CT scan when the first round of chemo is finished and then meet to talk about it and schedule surgery but it would be at least three weeks after chemo ends. Oh. So I have had to do a little expectation adjustment.
There were a few bright spots in all of this. One is that Bette Jo was with me and since we did not have to spend the afternoon in the infusion room she took me out to lunch at an organic restaurant. Then she took me to Trader Joe's which was so helpful. I needed supplies but did not want to drive myself. Thanks Bette Jo and Chris for joining us. It was much more fun that spending the afternoon in the infusion room.
Another is that after getting examined for the umteenth time I asked the doctor what he could actually feel and what he was looking for. He said what he did NOT feel was a mass. I am holding onto the hope that it is shrinking.
As we were leaving Fox Chase Bette spied a woman that looked familiar and approached her. She was a neighbor. Talking to her we found out she had the same diagnosis as me two years ago and wants to keep in touch to see how I get on. It was no chance encounter. The timing was too like a "Divine Appointment" so we will try to keep in contact and see where it goes.
So I have to employ my chosen word for 2016 ... TRUST ... "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6 His agenda is always better than mine.
There were a few bright spots in all of this. One is that Bette Jo was with me and since we did not have to spend the afternoon in the infusion room she took me out to lunch at an organic restaurant. Then she took me to Trader Joe's which was so helpful. I needed supplies but did not want to drive myself. Thanks Bette Jo and Chris for joining us. It was much more fun that spending the afternoon in the infusion room.
Another is that after getting examined for the umteenth time I asked the doctor what he could actually feel and what he was looking for. He said what he did NOT feel was a mass. I am holding onto the hope that it is shrinking.
As we were leaving Fox Chase Bette spied a woman that looked familiar and approached her. She was a neighbor. Talking to her we found out she had the same diagnosis as me two years ago and wants to keep in touch to see how I get on. It was no chance encounter. The timing was too like a "Divine Appointment" so we will try to keep in contact and see where it goes.
So I have to employ my chosen word for 2016 ... TRUST ... "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6 His agenda is always better than mine.
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