A Road in the Wilderness

Whenever God repeats something I have learned to take notice. This particular verse keeps showing up in my life so I am memorizing it and meditating upon it. "Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:18-19 This reminds me of a song... "God will make a way when there seems to be no way." As we begin a new year I am looking in expectation to see this new thing God is doing and to watch Him make a way when it seems impossible to us.

Early in January I had another CT Scan and a follow up appointment with Dr. Rubin at Fox Chase Cancer Center. The scan showed that the cancer had not been affected by the four months of chemotherapy I had endured. In fact, the cancer looked worse. I was offered a clinical trial with another chemo drug which after research and advice I rejected. I am done with chemo drugs and their side effects. I am convinced this last one made me worse.

 I had been telling the staff for months that I could not breathe and it was greatly affecting my quality of life. When they saw the scan they realized why. My right lung was totally unable to function due to the amount of fluid (caused by the cancer) surrounding it. Dr. Rubin immediately ordered the fluid be drained which has it's risks. I can tell you it was extremely painful. Normal procedure is to drain then X-ray to make sure the lung is functioning. After the X-ray, I was quickly surrounded by doctors and informed my lung was collapsed and they would be keeping me in the hospital. Next thing I knew, I was laying on a CT Scan table while about 5 doctors and nurses inserted a drain into my chest so more fluid could be removed. I ended up in hospital from Tuesday until Saturday and although four liters of fluid was drained, they were still not satisfied because the lung had not expanded, so they sent me home with a portable fluid collector. My prayer was that my lung would expand. So just yesterday (1-18) I had an appointment with the pulmonologist to remove the drain and check the lung. God actually did a little miracle for me in that my lung is now expanded to 75-80% and the drain was safely removed. (I have before and after pictures that show the lung if anyone is interested.) I cannot tell you how happy I am that I can now breathe! I am able to do so much more.

Next step is to insert a smaller drain so it is safer to remove the fluid. That appointment is Wednesday January 25th. After that, a visiting nurse will come several times a week to drain the fluid in an effort to allow the lung to continue to expand and my breathing to normalize. The fluid will keep appearing as long as the cancer is present. We need the cancer to be gone!!!

Next appointment with Dr. Rubin is January 31st. This is to discuss treatment options. I don't know if he will have any. I was told about another clinical trial with a non-chemo drug but it was closed. I called another cancer center and was told they were not accepting any more medicare patients. I have also checked out several alternative clinics but the cost (not covered by insurance) is way more than we can manage. Please pray that God will make a way. Right now, the path looks pretty foggy to us.

#cancersurvivor  #ovariancancer #faithandspirituality

Servanthood

Several people have said something to me which kind of goes like this: you are such a faithful servant of God at home and on the mission field, so why would God put you through such suffering? It is difficult to answer but I have been giving it some thought and have come across some ideas in my reading that may help.

"That is why we must not be surprised if we are in for a rough time. When A man turns to Christ and seems to be getting on pretty well (in the sense that some of his bad habits are now corrected), he often feels that it would now be natural if things went fairly smoothly. When troubles come along- illnesses, money troubles, new kinds of temptation- he is disappointed. These things, he feels, might have been necessary to rouse him and make him repent in his bad old days; but why now? Because God is forcing him on, or up, to a higher level: putting him into situations where he will have to be very much braver, or more patient, or more loving, than he ever dreamed of being before. It seems to us all unnecessary: but that is because we have not yet had the slightest notion of the tremendous thing He means to make of us."         C.S. Lewis  Mere Christianity 

"My thoughts are not your thoughts, and my ways are not your ways," Isaiah 55:9

"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outward man is decaying, yet our inward man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal (they will not last), but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 written by Paul

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation."  1 Peter 4:12-13

All the people I have quoted were better followers and servants of God than I and yet every one of them experienced trouble and hardship. Three of them were killed for their faith. There are many other examples in the Bible and in history. What do we conclude from this? If you have given over your life to God as His servant to be used as He wishes, it does not mean you will get special treatment or recognition (at least not as we think of it). God is working on perfecting us. He is also using us to affect those around us. God does not think or act like us. There are things going on that we cannot see or even understand. God is good and all this will somehow turn out to be good.

I recently completed a cycle of four months of Doxil and Avastin. It has been a rough time. The side effects are harsh and I feel like they made some things worse instead of better. I have told the oncologist that I do not want to do another four months on this plan. Still struggling with poor digestion, eating, and breathing but I have been able to maintain my weight and get around the house a little better. My cancer indicator has not dropped much which is disappointing. It is still around 900. I am scheduled to have another CT Scan on January 5th which should show us if the cancer has shrunk at all. We are at a crossroads now trying to decide what treatment plan to pursue. I would like to try an alternative clinic but although the cost is about half of what they bill me every time I walk into the cancer center, it is not covered by insurance so seems out of my reach. I am looking into finding some help locally from a naturopath or holistic doctor because I don't feel I can pursue an alternative plan on my own.  Would appreciate prayer for these difficult decisions about treatment. Still looking with expectation to God for "spontaneous remission" otherwise known as "zero."



#cancersurvivor #faithandspirituality #ovariancancer

Gratitude

Spent some time reading Kelly Minter's book, The Fitting Room, and studying Colossians chapter 3. I recommend it. Several times in Colossians chapter 3 we are encouraged to be thankful. This exhortation is also in most of Paul's letters in the New Testament. I am glad for the small word "in." We are told to be thankful in all circumstances which is different from having to be thankful for circumstances.  We often experience hard things in life that really make it difficult to feel positive let alone thankful, but I can tell you from personal experience that developing gratitude in your life is very helpful. It is difficult to keep complaining or feeling negative about your circumstances when you start to name the things you have to be thankful for. Practicing gratitude can lift you right up and somehow make the situation easier to bear. So let me tell you a few of the things I am thankful for right now:
for God who is always ready to hear me when I call
for my husband who patiently waits on me daily
for my children who want to see me and help me
that my brother and his wife drove all the way from Arizona to see how I was
that I did not lose my hair again
for heat and hot running water and cozy blankets
for online shopping (with Christmas coming)
for friends who loan me good books to read
that I did not lose more weight at my last doctors visit
for my grand daughter's laugh when she walks in my door

Had the third chemo treatment Tuesday, November 15th. Harsh but hopefully effective. My magnesium has been low every time so they give it to me intravenously. My red blood cell count has also been low but the white is good. Dr. Rubin said he thought the tumor felt smaller and the Cancer 125 continues to drop although it is still pretty high. I feel weak and tired much of the time. I cannot eat without pain and everything smells and tastes different. There are times, usually when I am laying in bed, that my breathing is not strained and nothing hurts and that is when I remember how "normal" feels. I am always ultra thankful for those times even though they may only last a few moments. The fourth treatment is December 13th and I will update again after that.

#ovariancancer #faithandspirituality #cancersurvivor

A Place of Safety

Where do you run when you want to feel safe? When you feel the need to be protected, where do you go? Right now the place I feel most safe is my nice bedroom in my own home under my big fluffy comforter. I have been reading the Psalms a lot lately and was struck with how many times God Himself is mentioned as a refuge, a shelter, a fortress, a shield, a strong tower, a hiding place.... in other words, He is a place of safety. I decided to go through and note when God is mentioned like this in the Psalms. It is interesting to me that there is a contrast. Sometimes the safe place is hard like stone, impenetrable like the castles or towers people under siege in long ago times would run to for safety. Sometimes the safe place is soft like the feathers under the wings of a bird or like the everlasting arms. Both of these word pictures describe God as a place of safety. The only true place of safety for us. Psalm 91 shows both sides of this when it states: "...I will say of the LORD, " He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in Him will I trust." ... He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will take refuge; His truth will be your shield and buckler." So, as nice as my cozy room is, when I want to be in a true place of safety, I run to the LORD. How about you?

I have been running to the LORD a lot these past few weeks. Sometimes my prayers consist only of, "Help, help, help!" or "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I had the second monthly treatment with Doxil on the 18th. The after affects were nowhere near as bad as the first time but they were bad. It is a harsh drug. It attacks the digestive system while it is attacking the cancer (which was already attacking my digestive system) and it takes away appetite. This makes it very difficult to maintain weight or regain strength. The fatigue is dreadful. Nevertheless, I have seen small improvements in my condition as the days go by for which I am thankful. The nausea and dehydration are pretty much under control and I am able to move about the house a little more. My doctor is encouraged by my blood counts and that the cancer marker is once again going down. The plan right now is to have two more infusions of the Doxil and five more of Avastin and then do a scan to see what shows up.

Please pray that I will be able to tolerate the drugs and that they will kill the cancer. Pray that I will continue to be able to eat and gain strength. Pray for Greg and Charis who are working so hard as my caregivers. Greg has had to take on all the household chores including laundry, shopping and cooking while working full time and looking after me. He sees me at my worst and it is hard for him. Charis helps with shopping, cleaning and cooking as well as transport to the cancer center while taking care of her own house and family.

#cancersurvivor #ovariancancer #faithandspirituality

God Is Still Good

Even though I did not get much of a break from the cancer madness I am thankful for the two months I did get to enjoy the sun and the garden and the beach and my family. I relapsed at the end of July and since then have gotten gradually more ill reaching my lowest point about two weeks ago. I have felt so badly that I did not even have the energy to update. In spite of that, God has found ways to remind people to keep praying and they let me know and it is one of the ways I know that He is there looking out for me. I have been pretty much stuck in my bedroom but I can tell you that I know He is working for me, that He is close to me and that He speaks peace and joy to me through His word. I also know He understands my laments over my situation because one morning I asked what Psalm I should read that day and I heard 88 clear as a bell. Look it up if you want to see what my mood was like that day. (He knew!) He keeps giving me the word "Hope" in his word, through friends, and even on a wreath a friend gave to me. My hope is in Him.

This time I had many gastrointestinal symptoms from the cancer. It resulted in severe nausea, dehydration, being unable to eat, weight loss and weakness. I had genetic testing for a gene mutation which could have altered my treatment plan but I did not have the mutation. I do not qualify for any current clinical trials so that means my treatment options are limited. I began treatment (combination of Doxil and Avastin) the end of September and did not react well because of my already weakened state. This week we talked over all my issues and came up with a plan whereby I am taking certain meds and getting IV fluids twice a week and I have seen tiny improvements each day. Yesterday I began to feel restless being stuck in my bed and that I take to be a good sign. I moved to the sunny guest room for awhile to change my scenery.

Please pray that I will be able to eat without pain and that I will get a little stronger every day. Pray for the next treatment with the Doxil on October 18th. I did not have a good experience last time but I do not want to live in fear. Pray the cancer cells die...every last one of them! I know I am not fighting this battle alone but God and you are fighting for me.

#ovariancancer #cancersurvivor #faithandspirituality

It Is Well With My Soul

Early on in my cancer journey my pastor asked how I was and I replied that I was well in the ways that mattered. Perhaps some of you have heard the story behind the beloved hymn I used for my title. I share it for those who have not. Horatio G. Spafford wrote it in 1873. He had already lost his son to a childhood illness and much of his fortune because of the Great Chicago Fire. He sent his wife and four daughters ahead of himself to Europe by ship and the ship sank after colliding with another vessel. His wife sent a telegram that stated simply, "Saved alone." Mr. Spafford is said to have penned the words to the hymn when passing over the spot in the ocean where the vessel sank. He and his wife were to have three more children, a son and two daughters. Again the boy was lost to a childhood illness. The reaction of their church was to name them punished by God. They disagreed. Here are the words to the hymn.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul. My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!— My sin, not in part but the whole, Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live: If Jordan above me shall roll, No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait, The sky, not the grave, is our goal; Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord! Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul! And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll; The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, Even so, it is well with my soul. The words to this hymn are so meaningful and Biblical. Like Horatio Spafford and his wife and countless others I choose to say that no matter what happens to me, I will be OK because it is well with my soul. Although I am going through a difficult battle that may never be over, I am well in the ways that count. So, don't you dislike it when things are vague? Personally, I would rather they be spelled out clearly so there is no doubt but that is not always the case. I finished my chemotherapy on May 26. Because my cancer indicator (CA 125) was still significantly above normal range, the doctor decided to wait a month and then have a CT Scan, blood work, and a followup appointment. I had the scan Monday, June 27th and the appointment was Thursday, June 30th. Even though I was determined to be OK with whatever the news was, it did not prevent me from feeling afraid or anxious. Thankfully, the knowledge that God is good and that many people were praying for me got me through this latest ordeal. The good news is that the scan showed NO signs of cancer. The doctor was a little baffled as to why the CA 125 was still high. However, he did not have the results of the most recent blood work in front of him. I won't be able to see it until the 6th or 7th when they post it on my portal. In spite of that, the doctor decided it was fine for me to wait four months, have another CT scan and blood work and then he will see me again. I am very thankful for this. It is a normal follow up time period. I can spend the rest of the summer getting healthier and stronger. As my brother pointed out, the uncertainty is a good thing because it keeps us on guard. We have to take precautions when it comes to diet and supplements in order to keep the cancer away. So, although we do not know what the future holds, for now we have ZERO.  This is the shirt I wore to my appointment. Teal is the color for ovarian cancer awareness. #cancersurvivor #ovariancancer #faithandspirituality

Waiting In Hope

"I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in His word I put my hope." Psalm 130:5

So May 26th I finished my chemo and my treatment plan that we laid out last November and now we wait. Many people do not like waiting but the truth is everyone is waiting on something and it is important to wait well. It does help to know that waiting is a normal life process and not a bad thing. To share more of Margaret Feinberg's wisdom, "Remember that God is always working in the wait." We do not know what is going on behind the scenes. Patience is a fruit of God's Spirit so if I am relying on Him, I should not be impatient. I am not saying waiting is easy but it is possible to be content in it.

As I write, it has been over a week since my last chemo and I am still feeling the effects from it. I think they will start to wear off in another week or so and I hope to feel much better. I am wondering if I will ever feel like my old self or if I will need to adjust to a new "normal." A new side effect that showed up right at the end is neuropathy in both feet. Since it came towards the end the doctors think it will reverse itself. I am feeling mostly tired and weak and will feel that way until my blood cells begin to recover. I am so so happy to be finished with those very strong drugs.

The plan now is to rest up and recover and then at the end of June I will have another CT scan. June 30th I have an appointment at Fox Chase for blood work and to see the doctor to decide where we go from here.

Please pray for zero signs of cancer, for victory over anxiety, and recovery from the side effects of the chemo drugs. I pray God's blessings on each one of you every day.

#ovariancancer #cancersurvivor #faithandspirituality

In case you missed it...here I am ringing the bell at the end of treatment...you may not hear me say it because Greg is talking but I said "Thanks for praying me through."
https://www.facebook.com/cheryl.ann.thomas.shipley/videos/10153580677448244/