A Place of Safety

Where do you run when you want to feel safe? When you feel the need to be protected, where do you go? Right now the place I feel most safe is my nice bedroom in my own home under my big fluffy comforter. I have been reading the Psalms a lot lately and was struck with how many times God Himself is mentioned as a refuge, a shelter, a fortress, a shield, a strong tower, a hiding place.... in other words, He is a place of safety. I decided to go through and note when God is mentioned like this in the Psalms. It is interesting to me that there is a contrast. Sometimes the safe place is hard like stone, impenetrable like the castles or towers people under siege in long ago times would run to for safety. Sometimes the safe place is soft like the feathers under the wings of a bird or like the everlasting arms. Both of these word pictures describe God as a place of safety. The only true place of safety for us. Psalm 91 shows both sides of this when it states: "...I will say of the LORD, " He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in Him will I trust." ... He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will take refuge; His truth will be your shield and buckler." So, as nice as my cozy room is, when I want to be in a true place of safety, I run to the LORD. How about you?

I have been running to the LORD a lot these past few weeks. Sometimes my prayers consist only of, "Help, help, help!" or "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I had the second monthly treatment with Doxil on the 18th. The after affects were nowhere near as bad as the first time but they were bad. It is a harsh drug. It attacks the digestive system while it is attacking the cancer (which was already attacking my digestive system) and it takes away appetite. This makes it very difficult to maintain weight or regain strength. The fatigue is dreadful. Nevertheless, I have seen small improvements in my condition as the days go by for which I am thankful. The nausea and dehydration are pretty much under control and I am able to move about the house a little more. My doctor is encouraged by my blood counts and that the cancer marker is once again going down. The plan right now is to have two more infusions of the Doxil and five more of Avastin and then do a scan to see what shows up.

Please pray that I will be able to tolerate the drugs and that they will kill the cancer. Pray that I will continue to be able to eat and gain strength. Pray for Greg and Charis who are working so hard as my caregivers. Greg has had to take on all the household chores including laundry, shopping and cooking while working full time and looking after me. He sees me at my worst and it is hard for him. Charis helps with shopping, cleaning and cooking as well as transport to the cancer center while taking care of her own house and family.

#cancersurvivor #ovariancancer #faithandspirituality

God Is Still Good

Even though I did not get much of a break from the cancer madness I am thankful for the two months I did get to enjoy the sun and the garden and the beach and my family. I relapsed at the end of July and since then have gotten gradually more ill reaching my lowest point about two weeks ago. I have felt so badly that I did not even have the energy to update. In spite of that, God has found ways to remind people to keep praying and they let me know and it is one of the ways I know that He is there looking out for me. I have been pretty much stuck in my bedroom but I can tell you that I know He is working for me, that He is close to me and that He speaks peace and joy to me through His word. I also know He understands my laments over my situation because one morning I asked what Psalm I should read that day and I heard 88 clear as a bell. Look it up if you want to see what my mood was like that day. (He knew!) He keeps giving me the word "Hope" in his word, through friends, and even on a wreath a friend gave to me. My hope is in Him.

This time I had many gastrointestinal symptoms from the cancer. It resulted in severe nausea, dehydration, being unable to eat, weight loss and weakness. I had genetic testing for a gene mutation which could have altered my treatment plan but I did not have the mutation. I do not qualify for any current clinical trials so that means my treatment options are limited. I began treatment (combination of Doxil and Avastin) the end of September and did not react well because of my already weakened state. This week we talked over all my issues and came up with a plan whereby I am taking certain meds and getting IV fluids twice a week and I have seen tiny improvements each day. Yesterday I began to feel restless being stuck in my bed and that I take to be a good sign. I moved to the sunny guest room for awhile to change my scenery.

Please pray that I will be able to eat without pain and that I will get a little stronger every day. Pray for the next treatment with the Doxil on October 18th. I did not have a good experience last time but I do not want to live in fear. Pray the cancer cells die...every last one of them! I know I am not fighting this battle alone but God and you are fighting for me.

#ovariancancer #cancersurvivor #faithandspirituality

It Is Well With My Soul

Early on in my cancer journey my pastor asked how I was and I replied that I was well in the ways that mattered. Perhaps some of you have heard the story behind the beloved hymn I used for my title. I share it for those who have not. Horatio G. Spafford wrote it in 1873. He had already lost his son to a childhood illness and much of his fortune because of the Great Chicago Fire. He sent his wife and four daughters ahead of himself to Europe by ship and the ship sank after colliding with another vessel. His wife sent a telegram that stated simply, "Saved alone." Mr. Spafford is said to have penned the words to the hymn when passing over the spot in the ocean where the vessel sank. He and his wife were to have three more children, a son and two daughters. Again the boy was lost to a childhood illness. The reaction of their church was to name them punished by God. They disagreed. Here are the words to the hymn.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul. My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!— My sin, not in part but the whole, Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live: If Jordan above me shall roll, No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait, The sky, not the grave, is our goal; Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord! Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul! And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll; The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, Even so, it is well with my soul. The words to this hymn are so meaningful and Biblical. Like Horatio Spafford and his wife and countless others I choose to say that no matter what happens to me, I will be OK because it is well with my soul. Although I am going through a difficult battle that may never be over, I am well in the ways that count. So, don't you dislike it when things are vague? Personally, I would rather they be spelled out clearly so there is no doubt but that is not always the case. I finished my chemotherapy on May 26. Because my cancer indicator (CA 125) was still significantly above normal range, the doctor decided to wait a month and then have a CT Scan, blood work, and a followup appointment. I had the scan Monday, June 27th and the appointment was Thursday, June 30th. Even though I was determined to be OK with whatever the news was, it did not prevent me from feeling afraid or anxious. Thankfully, the knowledge that God is good and that many people were praying for me got me through this latest ordeal. The good news is that the scan showed NO signs of cancer. The doctor was a little baffled as to why the CA 125 was still high. However, he did not have the results of the most recent blood work in front of him. I won't be able to see it until the 6th or 7th when they post it on my portal. In spite of that, the doctor decided it was fine for me to wait four months, have another CT scan and blood work and then he will see me again. I am very thankful for this. It is a normal follow up time period. I can spend the rest of the summer getting healthier and stronger. As my brother pointed out, the uncertainty is a good thing because it keeps us on guard. We have to take precautions when it comes to diet and supplements in order to keep the cancer away. So, although we do not know what the future holds, for now we have ZERO.  This is the shirt I wore to my appointment. Teal is the color for ovarian cancer awareness. #cancersurvivor #ovariancancer #faithandspirituality

Waiting In Hope

"I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in His word I put my hope." Psalm 130:5

So May 26th I finished my chemo and my treatment plan that we laid out last November and now we wait. Many people do not like waiting but the truth is everyone is waiting on something and it is important to wait well. It does help to know that waiting is a normal life process and not a bad thing. To share more of Margaret Feinberg's wisdom, "Remember that God is always working in the wait." We do not know what is going on behind the scenes. Patience is a fruit of God's Spirit so if I am relying on Him, I should not be impatient. I am not saying waiting is easy but it is possible to be content in it.

As I write, it has been over a week since my last chemo and I am still feeling the effects from it. I think they will start to wear off in another week or so and I hope to feel much better. I am wondering if I will ever feel like my old self or if I will need to adjust to a new "normal." A new side effect that showed up right at the end is neuropathy in both feet. Since it came towards the end the doctors think it will reverse itself. I am feeling mostly tired and weak and will feel that way until my blood cells begin to recover. I am so so happy to be finished with those very strong drugs.

The plan now is to rest up and recover and then at the end of June I will have another CT scan. June 30th I have an appointment at Fox Chase for blood work and to see the doctor to decide where we go from here.

Please pray for zero signs of cancer, for victory over anxiety, and recovery from the side effects of the chemo drugs. I pray God's blessings on each one of you every day.

#ovariancancer #cancersurvivor #faithandspirituality

In case you missed it...here I am ringing the bell at the end of treatment...you may not hear me say it because Greg is talking but I said "Thanks for praying me through."
https://www.facebook.com/cheryl.ann.thomas.shipley/videos/10153580677448244/

On Fear and Courage...

Last Sunday our pastor had us write this verse so we could meditate on it throughout the week. "Yes, be bold and strong! Banish fear and doubt! For remember, the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9. This was especially helpful for me because I was fearful of this weeks treatment after feeling pretty rough the last time I had both chemo drugs. On Wednesday I had the special pleasure of hearing Margaret Feinberg speak at Spring Ladies Day Out hosted by America's Keswick. I took away much helpful information but the bit I held onto the most was about fear and love. Apparently studies were done on brain chemistry that showed that fear and love were controlled by different parts of the brain and could not be experienced at the same time. This verse in John agrees: "There is no fear in love because perfect love casts out fear." So when I want to banish fear I need only remember how much I am loved by God and by people. I can be courageous knowing that the God who loves me is with me all the time. Another verse Margaret shared is from Luke 12: "Do not fear, little flock, because it is God's good pleasure to give you the kingdom." Those are Jesus's words and so full of tenderness and promise.  

The last three weeks I have been feeling pretty weak. Had a good talk with my nurse practitioner and learned it was because my red blood cell count keeps getting lower and wont get better until chemo is over. The good news is I only have two more treatments and will be finished May 26th. My white blood cell count is slightly better but I was warned not to be around sick people or crowds. Oops! I was released to exercise again so doing yoga before treatments is very helpful for feeling calm. Nevertheless, I was apprehensive before treatment since I felt bad last time I had carboplatin. The day was beautiful and a good friend took me and we got to sit outside while waiting. The treatment went well but we did not get home until after 6. There was a nice meal waiting from another friend so I had some food and went to bed. I was able to sleep for 11 hours which was an unusual blessing. I do not feel too badly today. Unfortunately, the last time my cancer marker CA 125 was tested it had spiked over 500. We think it is because of dying off cancer cells and inflammation following surgery. At any rate it is not a reliable test. But, because of that, Dr. Rubin wants me to have another scan in six weeks and then he will see me again. Please pray for zero. Zero evidence of cancer and zero recurrence. I so appreciate your support.

Here is a recent photo I used to get my passport renewed. No matter what happens I can't imagine being without a passport!

Fighting Back With Joy

The Bible study I am usually involved in (which I have been unable to attend since November) has been doing Margaret Feinberg's study about fighting with joy. One of them gave me the book associated with the study to read. In it, Margaret describes her own journey through cancer. One of the things I gleaned from it is a three word motto for dealing with cancer: accept-adapt-depend. Accept that you have this disease. Adapt however you need to while going through treatment and beyond. Depend on God to get you through. I am excited about getting to hear her in person in May.

Another book I found helpful (and which was also sent to me early on by some friends) is When God and Cancer Meet by Linn Eib. The author is a cancer survivor turned cancer advocate and the book is full of stories about the people she has met along the way. Each story has an element of hope and the book helped both Greg and I regain some balance and a healthy perspective.

It has been eight weeks since surgery. I had my fourth treatment in this series of nine on Thursday. I was by myself (which I don't mind) but God sent along a kind person, Nancy, to talk to me. She went through the same cancer and treatment as me 18 months ago and now she and her husband volunteer at the center. Talking with her gave me a little infusion of hope. I was given all the drugs again and I have felt rough since. This time I came home and slept five hours and then was awake most of the night. I have stabbing pain here and there and I imagine it is the cancer being killed off. Actually, because I have a vivid imagination, I picture tiny angels with swords stabbing those nasty cancer cells. Sore throat, fatigue, brain fog, no appetite, headache, and tinnitus are all with me at the moment. Thankfully, I know I will feel better in a day or two. Before this last treatment I had a good week. The weather is nice and I have been getting out and walking nearly every day. Soaking up some sunshine and breathing fresh air really helps. The doctor cleared me to drive and to resume exercise so I am excited about starting up classes this week. My white blood cell count was even lower than it usually is but they still decided to give me treatment. Chemo wreaks havoc on the immune system and then how is the body supposed to heal itself? I have been researching ways to build up my white blood cells and my immune system and I can see if it is working when I see my weekly blood work.

Please pray for all the cancer cells to die off and for my immune system to get stronger so it can take over the healing process. Also pray against fatigue and anxiety. Also pray that God will keep sending people that I can encourage and who will encourage me. Thank you all!

#ovariancancer #cancersurvivor #faithandspirituality

Of Dignity and Suffering

For the past two weeks I have been pondering dignity and thinking about what I should share about it. Caring for elderly parents and having cancer and being around a lot of other people who have it has taught me a lot about the importance of allowing people as much dignity as possible. Disease, poverty, and old age are some of the things that can strip people of dignity. I believe everyone needs some measure of it to feel human no matter how old or sick or poor. It can be disheartening to be around so much suffering especially if one is suffering herself.

I have been praying about a verse to share on the subject and after about a week, this is the one God put into my head.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look on the things that are seen, but at the things that are not seen. For the things that are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

The reason I can have hope and I can grant grace and dignity to those I meet along the journey is because I know that, although it does not look like it, this suffering is light and temporary. I know that what can be seen is not all there is. In that spiritual realm which I can only dream about right now there will be glory that is exceedingly wonderful and that will never end. Any indignity I may feel or witness here will not even be remembered there. God will make it so. I believe Him. Do not lose heart.

It has been six weeks since my cancer surgery. I still have pain. I still cannot do everything I want to. I am still in healing mode. Nevertheless, it was time to start the second round of chemotherapy. Yesterday I had my second of nine treatments. Last week I could not even bring myself to update. I don't believe my side effects are as bad as I expected or as bad as some people I have heard about but they are there. I do not want to whine or complain but in the interest of honesty, I don't mind sharing what they are. It may actually help someone else.

I have been trying without success to find some information about other peoples post surgical experiences. As far as the surgery is concerned, I am improving, but I still have tenderness in the upper abdomen that makes it difficult to stand up straight, walk or breathe deeply. The scar is healing but tender. Just started wearing pants with zippers but have to have a layer of clothes between my tummy and them. Knitted tank tops I buy at Forever 21 for $2. work great. At first I had a lot of trouble with gas in the abdomen as well as the GI track. That is vastly improved after six weeks. I can only walk about two blocks without getting tired. Energy levels are low. It helps greatly when the weather cooperates and I can walk a little and sit outside on a sunny bench.

Chemo side effects are varied. I sometimes cannot sleep all night. Other times I am so tired I don't feel like moving. My brain is foggy and I have trouble remembering things. My throat is very dry, in fact, my whole body is dry. My hair was just growing back nicely and it will fall out again. I could feel my scalp tingling again after the first treatment. At least I haven't had to shave my legs. I get dizzy and mildly nauseous and nothing tastes right. My legs and feet sometimes feel tingly or numb. Sometimes my whole body feels numb. I have a port, which is a small button under the skin below my right shoulder. It facilitates drawing blood and receiving the drugs but it is often achy, itchy, and annoying. It is easy to get ulcers in my mouth and throat so I rinse with a salt and baking soda solution several times a day if I remember.

In spite of all this, I am acutely aware that I have so much to be thankful for. I have wonderful support and help from my family and friends. It makes all the difference. Never a day goes by without someone telling me they are praying for me. I have a warm, comfortable home, clothes and all the food I need. God led me to a treatment center and a doctor that I feel are doing their best for me. He has provided a way for us to make payments with no interest on the medical expenses not covered by insurance. The therapy I am given along with the dietary changes I have made are actually killing the cancer cells. They are working for me. I am blessed. I refuse to lose heart.

#ovariancancer #cancersurvivor #faithandspirituality