It Is Well With My Soul

Early on in my cancer journey my pastor asked how I was and I replied that I was well in the ways that mattered. Perhaps some of you have heard the story behind the beloved hymn I used for my title. I share it for those who have not. Horatio G. Spafford wrote it in 1873. He had already lost his son to a childhood illness and much of his fortune because of the Great Chicago Fire. He sent his wife and four daughters ahead of himself to Europe by ship and the ship sank after colliding with another vessel. His wife sent a telegram that stated simply, "Saved alone." Mr. Spafford is said to have penned the words to the hymn when passing over the spot in the ocean where the vessel sank. He and his wife were to have three more children, a son and two daughters. Again the boy was lost to a childhood illness. The reaction of their church was to name them punished by God. They disagreed. Here are the words to the hymn.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul. My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!— My sin, not in part but the whole, Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live: If Jordan above me shall roll, No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait, The sky, not the grave, is our goal; Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord! Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul! And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll; The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, Even so, it is well with my soul. The words to this hymn are so meaningful and Biblical. Like Horatio Spafford and his wife and countless others I choose to say that no matter what happens to me, I will be OK because it is well with my soul. Although I am going through a difficult battle that may never be over, I am well in the ways that count. So, don't you dislike it when things are vague? Personally, I would rather they be spelled out clearly so there is no doubt but that is not always the case. I finished my chemotherapy on May 26. Because my cancer indicator (CA 125) was still significantly above normal range, the doctor decided to wait a month and then have a CT Scan, blood work, and a followup appointment. I had the scan Monday, June 27th and the appointment was Thursday, June 30th. Even though I was determined to be OK with whatever the news was, it did not prevent me from feeling afraid or anxious. Thankfully, the knowledge that God is good and that many people were praying for me got me through this latest ordeal. The good news is that the scan showed NO signs of cancer. The doctor was a little baffled as to why the CA 125 was still high. However, he did not have the results of the most recent blood work in front of him. I won't be able to see it until the 6th or 7th when they post it on my portal. In spite of that, the doctor decided it was fine for me to wait four months, have another CT scan and blood work and then he will see me again. I am very thankful for this. It is a normal follow up time period. I can spend the rest of the summer getting healthier and stronger. As my brother pointed out, the uncertainty is a good thing because it keeps us on guard. We have to take precautions when it comes to diet and supplements in order to keep the cancer away. So, although we do not know what the future holds, for now we have ZERO.  This is the shirt I wore to my appointment. Teal is the color for ovarian cancer awareness. #cancersurvivor #ovariancancer #faithandspirituality

Waiting In Hope

"I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in His word I put my hope." Psalm 130:5

So May 26th I finished my chemo and my treatment plan that we laid out last November and now we wait. Many people do not like waiting but the truth is everyone is waiting on something and it is important to wait well. It does help to know that waiting is a normal life process and not a bad thing. To share more of Margaret Feinberg's wisdom, "Remember that God is always working in the wait." We do not know what is going on behind the scenes. Patience is a fruit of God's Spirit so if I am relying on Him, I should not be impatient. I am not saying waiting is easy but it is possible to be content in it.

As I write, it has been over a week since my last chemo and I am still feeling the effects from it. I think they will start to wear off in another week or so and I hope to feel much better. I am wondering if I will ever feel like my old self or if I will need to adjust to a new "normal." A new side effect that showed up right at the end is neuropathy in both feet. Since it came towards the end the doctors think it will reverse itself. I am feeling mostly tired and weak and will feel that way until my blood cells begin to recover. I am so so happy to be finished with those very strong drugs.

The plan now is to rest up and recover and then at the end of June I will have another CT scan. June 30th I have an appointment at Fox Chase for blood work and to see the doctor to decide where we go from here.

Please pray for zero signs of cancer, for victory over anxiety, and recovery from the side effects of the chemo drugs. I pray God's blessings on each one of you every day.

#ovariancancer #cancersurvivor #faithandspirituality

In case you missed it...here I am ringing the bell at the end of treatment...you may not hear me say it because Greg is talking but I said "Thanks for praying me through."
https://www.facebook.com/cheryl.ann.thomas.shipley/videos/10153580677448244/

On Fear and Courage...

Last Sunday our pastor had us write this verse so we could meditate on it throughout the week. "Yes, be bold and strong! Banish fear and doubt! For remember, the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9. This was especially helpful for me because I was fearful of this weeks treatment after feeling pretty rough the last time I had both chemo drugs. On Wednesday I had the special pleasure of hearing Margaret Feinberg speak at Spring Ladies Day Out hosted by America's Keswick. I took away much helpful information but the bit I held onto the most was about fear and love. Apparently studies were done on brain chemistry that showed that fear and love were controlled by different parts of the brain and could not be experienced at the same time. This verse in John agrees: "There is no fear in love because perfect love casts out fear." So when I want to banish fear I need only remember how much I am loved by God and by people. I can be courageous knowing that the God who loves me is with me all the time. Another verse Margaret shared is from Luke 12: "Do not fear, little flock, because it is God's good pleasure to give you the kingdom." Those are Jesus's words and so full of tenderness and promise.  

The last three weeks I have been feeling pretty weak. Had a good talk with my nurse practitioner and learned it was because my red blood cell count keeps getting lower and wont get better until chemo is over. The good news is I only have two more treatments and will be finished May 26th. My white blood cell count is slightly better but I was warned not to be around sick people or crowds. Oops! I was released to exercise again so doing yoga before treatments is very helpful for feeling calm. Nevertheless, I was apprehensive before treatment since I felt bad last time I had carboplatin. The day was beautiful and a good friend took me and we got to sit outside while waiting. The treatment went well but we did not get home until after 6. There was a nice meal waiting from another friend so I had some food and went to bed. I was able to sleep for 11 hours which was an unusual blessing. I do not feel too badly today. Unfortunately, the last time my cancer marker CA 125 was tested it had spiked over 500. We think it is because of dying off cancer cells and inflammation following surgery. At any rate it is not a reliable test. But, because of that, Dr. Rubin wants me to have another scan in six weeks and then he will see me again. Please pray for zero. Zero evidence of cancer and zero recurrence. I so appreciate your support.

Here is a recent photo I used to get my passport renewed. No matter what happens I can't imagine being without a passport!

Fighting Back With Joy

The Bible study I am usually involved in (which I have been unable to attend since November) has been doing Margaret Feinberg's study about fighting with joy. One of them gave me the book associated with the study to read. In it, Margaret describes her own journey through cancer. One of the things I gleaned from it is a three word motto for dealing with cancer: accept-adapt-depend. Accept that you have this disease. Adapt however you need to while going through treatment and beyond. Depend on God to get you through. I am excited about getting to hear her in person in May.

Another book I found helpful (and which was also sent to me early on by some friends) is When God and Cancer Meet by Linn Eib. The author is a cancer survivor turned cancer advocate and the book is full of stories about the people she has met along the way. Each story has an element of hope and the book helped both Greg and I regain some balance and a healthy perspective.

It has been eight weeks since surgery. I had my fourth treatment in this series of nine on Thursday. I was by myself (which I don't mind) but God sent along a kind person, Nancy, to talk to me. She went through the same cancer and treatment as me 18 months ago and now she and her husband volunteer at the center. Talking with her gave me a little infusion of hope. I was given all the drugs again and I have felt rough since. This time I came home and slept five hours and then was awake most of the night. I have stabbing pain here and there and I imagine it is the cancer being killed off. Actually, because I have a vivid imagination, I picture tiny angels with swords stabbing those nasty cancer cells. Sore throat, fatigue, brain fog, no appetite, headache, and tinnitus are all with me at the moment. Thankfully, I know I will feel better in a day or two. Before this last treatment I had a good week. The weather is nice and I have been getting out and walking nearly every day. Soaking up some sunshine and breathing fresh air really helps. The doctor cleared me to drive and to resume exercise so I am excited about starting up classes this week. My white blood cell count was even lower than it usually is but they still decided to give me treatment. Chemo wreaks havoc on the immune system and then how is the body supposed to heal itself? I have been researching ways to build up my white blood cells and my immune system and I can see if it is working when I see my weekly blood work.

Please pray for all the cancer cells to die off and for my immune system to get stronger so it can take over the healing process. Also pray against fatigue and anxiety. Also pray that God will keep sending people that I can encourage and who will encourage me. Thank you all!

#ovariancancer #cancersurvivor #faithandspirituality

Of Dignity and Suffering

For the past two weeks I have been pondering dignity and thinking about what I should share about it. Caring for elderly parents and having cancer and being around a lot of other people who have it has taught me a lot about the importance of allowing people as much dignity as possible. Disease, poverty, and old age are some of the things that can strip people of dignity. I believe everyone needs some measure of it to feel human no matter how old or sick or poor. It can be disheartening to be around so much suffering especially if one is suffering herself.

I have been praying about a verse to share on the subject and after about a week, this is the one God put into my head.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look on the things that are seen, but at the things that are not seen. For the things that are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

The reason I can have hope and I can grant grace and dignity to those I meet along the journey is because I know that, although it does not look like it, this suffering is light and temporary. I know that what can be seen is not all there is. In that spiritual realm which I can only dream about right now there will be glory that is exceedingly wonderful and that will never end. Any indignity I may feel or witness here will not even be remembered there. God will make it so. I believe Him. Do not lose heart.

It has been six weeks since my cancer surgery. I still have pain. I still cannot do everything I want to. I am still in healing mode. Nevertheless, it was time to start the second round of chemotherapy. Yesterday I had my second of nine treatments. Last week I could not even bring myself to update. I don't believe my side effects are as bad as I expected or as bad as some people I have heard about but they are there. I do not want to whine or complain but in the interest of honesty, I don't mind sharing what they are. It may actually help someone else.

I have been trying without success to find some information about other peoples post surgical experiences. As far as the surgery is concerned, I am improving, but I still have tenderness in the upper abdomen that makes it difficult to stand up straight, walk or breathe deeply. The scar is healing but tender. Just started wearing pants with zippers but have to have a layer of clothes between my tummy and them. Knitted tank tops I buy at Forever 21 for $2. work great. At first I had a lot of trouble with gas in the abdomen as well as the GI track. That is vastly improved after six weeks. I can only walk about two blocks without getting tired. Energy levels are low. It helps greatly when the weather cooperates and I can walk a little and sit outside on a sunny bench.

Chemo side effects are varied. I sometimes cannot sleep all night. Other times I am so tired I don't feel like moving. My brain is foggy and I have trouble remembering things. My throat is very dry, in fact, my whole body is dry. My hair was just growing back nicely and it will fall out again. I could feel my scalp tingling again after the first treatment. At least I haven't had to shave my legs. I get dizzy and mildly nauseous and nothing tastes right. My legs and feet sometimes feel tingly or numb. Sometimes my whole body feels numb. I have a port, which is a small button under the skin below my right shoulder. It facilitates drawing blood and receiving the drugs but it is often achy, itchy, and annoying. It is easy to get ulcers in my mouth and throat so I rinse with a salt and baking soda solution several times a day if I remember.

In spite of all this, I am acutely aware that I have so much to be thankful for. I have wonderful support and help from my family and friends. It makes all the difference. Never a day goes by without someone telling me they are praying for me. I have a warm, comfortable home, clothes and all the food I need. God led me to a treatment center and a doctor that I feel are doing their best for me. He has provided a way for us to make payments with no interest on the medical expenses not covered by insurance. The therapy I am given along with the dietary changes I have made are actually killing the cancer cells. They are working for me. I am blessed. I refuse to lose heart.

#ovariancancer #cancersurvivor #faithandspirituality  

Post Surgery Follow Up Visit

"Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are - face to face! They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We're free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of His face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like Him." 2 Corinthians 3:16-18 Message

These are verses I read this morning. What they mean to me is that I am going through a transformation and becoming more like what I was created to be but only the Spirit of God is able to determine what is necessary to facilitate the process. That is where trust and faith come in because sometimes that process is just hard.

Today I went to my two week post surgery follow up visit. It has been a rough two weeks especially the first few days after I got home. Now I am able to get up and down without help, walk around the house, and do light chores. I still have pain but it is not severe. Once the steri strips came off I could see the scar is much longer than I first thought. Actually it goes around my belly button and all the way down. I feel a little sad about it ... stupid cancer ... but no one is the same after fighting with this disease. Each day I feel a tiny bit stronger. My appetite is fine and I am sleeping well. Thankful for little things. Surgery was a huge hurdle and I am thankful to be over it.

You can tell a lot about people from observing their body language. My doctor was at ease, smiling and confident as he told me I was doing great and responding well to treatment. He said my scar was healing beautifully. Both he and the physicians assistant said I was ahead of the norm in my recovery. Who knew? I was nervous going to the appointment but they both put me at ease. The surgery was successful and no other organs were affected by the cancer. The majority of the cancer has been removed. This is an amazing answer to prayer considering the stage the disease was in by the time it was discovered. The slight swelling and discomfort I am feeling right now is pretty normal and will gradually fade. Again, I am thankful.

I can take walks and have visitors but I will be restricted from many activities for another six weeks. No pushing, pulling, lifting or stressing my core. I am looking forward to getting back to yoga class and riding my pink bike as soon as I can. Meanwhile I have to get over what I hope to be the last hurdle, nine more weeks of chemotherapy. It will start on March 31. You have been praying for me and cheering me on and I hope you will continue. God hears every word even those not spoken out loud.

Post Surgery

Blogging from my home away from home for the last four days (Fox Chase Cancer Center in Philly). "What time I am afraid I will trust in you." I have needed this verse as I approached surgery. God kept reminding me through songs and other verses about how he led the Israelites through The  Red Sea. Nothing is too hard for Him. I could feel the prayers being prayed for me. Whenever I felt terrified, remembering that nothing is impossible for  God and that many were holding me up in prayer helped calm me quickly. Through this experience the whole idea of bearing one another;s burdens has come alive for me.

Bad news first because I want to end on a positive note. Sorry for whining but I want to be real. Surgery was about 3 hours and I woke up with a considerable amount of pain. I stayed in recovery until they got that under control. The pain is still there but because of the pain meds it is not there all the time. I have been running a low grade fever. It hurts to breathe so I am not getting enough oxygen. I am on an oxygen tank. Apparently, I am not drinking enough so They have to give me IV fluids. It is difficult to stand up straight but I am trying to walk around the halls. Once I got the epidural and catheter out that was easier. The incision is about four inches long and seems to be healing nicely. I am trying to eat but my appetite is not good.

Good news and plenty of it. Right before surgery I checked the results of recent blood tests and saw that my CA 125 (cancer indicator for Ovarian cancer) Had gone from 770 to 294 in one month. That was super encouragement and it gave me some hope. I have a beautiful room to myself and all the staff have been great. The surgery was "wildly successful" in that the doctor was able to remove all visible signs of cancer and it had not affected any other organs. I am able to move around slowly and take short walks in the halls. I am so thankful that I am on the other side of this surgery. I am so thankful for all those thinking of me and praying for me. I told the surgeon people were praying and he responded "that is a good thing." Except for the first time I tried to get up and walk around I have not had nausea. I am hoping to go home today (Monday). I am looking forward to getting the pink bike out and riding it on the boardwalk in a few months. :-)